confused, even may be abused

 Sitting side-by-side under the same umbarella in a rainy weather in the garden with someone whom long before you had sit side-by-side, hand-in-hand with, with completely different thoughts and feelings is pretty strange and weird. What's happened, what's experienced. Being confused, complicated with a very slight, little thing. With the combination of the things he did, the things he said, being side by side with the touch of our arms, anxiety for the exam and expectation with curiosity for the job application, made me feel like my feet don't touch the ground. I couldn't apprehend where I was and what I was doing. He is such an ill-balanced man that I cannot count on his words, behaviours, clues and also him.

 As one of my dearest friends said; "If any man had said such things like he did, except from him and homosexuals, I could have told you that he exactly liked you, but the subject is him now, and we cannot count on him, we cannot believe him." He asked me questions of which the answers were barely written on a page on the internet already, he wanted to study for the exams just with me, he said that he had missed me, he put his arm on my shoulder (most probably accidentally because he took his arm immediately back), he sent a text message about his situation at the 4 of the midnight. Even to these, I cannot give importance. A thing he said is never in accordance with the other sayings of him. He is such an ill-balanced man that even if I madly want something to happen with him, I know that it won't be and I know that it "shouldn't" be. Even, he may be doing all those things just to make his mind busy, spend time, dawdle or distract his mind. I cannot know, and as long as the protagonist is him, I will not know, I will not be sure.

 Is it that easy to be confused? Is it that simple to be resurrected of my inner stuff? Only after a loooongg period of 7 months, we could turn to normal, be friends and talk properly.
 I stopped dreaming a long time ago but still I become eager of the things and I easily get caught up in the things even if I don't want. It is not in my hand, I cannot control it. So, not to allow the same things happen, not to be sad in the end again, I read the former conversations of us to remember the inaccordance of his words, what he did, how he led me to feel, how he made me angry and dissappointed, so that I would prevent myself. And I will continue on reading, even if they hurt.

If he will make me sad in the end, I do not want him to make me happy in the beginning, either.

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